It has been on my heart to share this story for the last couple weeks, but I've been afraid to share it.
I am about to share with you one of the moments where I felt the most broken and scared for myself.
It happened on January 11th of this year. I woke up in the morning at my ex's house to get ready to go to my nieces 1st birthday party.
And I found in the shower the one thing that I didn't want to find: my ex's ex's conditioner.
The thing is, my ex's ex had been a source of contention between us for the duration of our relationship. I was incredibly jealous and insecure in that relationship. I felt so insignificant, small and that I didn't matter to my ex.
And he elevated his ex to me so much. I would often hear things like, "if I didn't do it for her, I'm certainly NOT going to do it for you." and it felt so shitty.
And yes, I did stand up for myself. It just led to more fights and me losing myself more and more.
I wasn't happy in that relationship and for some reason I had it set in my mind that this was my soulmate. I had even centered my business around dating and relationship coaching because I thought I was done with it all.
I thought I had found the right person.
But that all changed when I found that conditioner. I lost it and stood up for myself yet again. The thing is my ex had promised me he would get rid of it, but he didn't. He hid it from me for months and then finally put it back in the shower.
And throughout that day, I felt so emotionally unstable. I felt like my world was falling apart around me and I didn't know how to handle it.
By the end of the evening, I thought my ex and I were working things out. And then he said something to me and I snapped. I got so angry that I took a can of knock off white claw and hit him with it several times.
I've NEVER hit another human being like that in my life and it scared the living hell out of me.
And my ex just got so cold with me. I knew from that moment that it was over.
However, I was stranded at his house. My keys were inside his house and he wouldn't let me in there to get my coat, my keys or anything else that I had there.
A year and a half together and practically living together, and I wasn't allowed to retrieve my belongings.
I had to call one of my longtime friends who lived nearby to pick me up and drive me to my parents house. I was feeling so numb and so lost.
In fact, after that moment, I didn't eat for two days (this is NOT normal for me.)
But it was in that moment of complete breakdown that I realized that something needed to change in my life.
Yes, I had lost myself in that relationship. Yet the reason it was not working for me towards the end is because I was having my spiritual awakening. I was starting to love myself more and I couldn't tolerate having someone in my life who didn't care how I was feeling.
It was in those moments that I decided to start putting myself first. To piece myself back together.
And I did.
This was when I started digging so deeply into my Human Design. And I realized that my breakdown had to do with my tribal emotional wave. I have also learned how to deal with that emotional wave in a healthy way so something like what happened on January 11th won't ever happen again.
When you understand why something is happening and understand the way that you function, that is how you can start to make change.
I've decided to be different. I've decided to not allow people into my life who have me feeling small.
I have set and continue to refine boundaries around who gets to be in my energy.
In the piecing of myself back together I have found love and abundance within myself.
You can take the worst moments of your life and you can either allow them to break you or allow for them to make you stronger.
I choose strength.
How about you?